I'm still here!

So this weather is getting me in the mood again to write. It was a long boring winter for me sitting around home.
Where did I leave off?!

I was in the shower tonight and shampoo is actually starting to lather in my hair! It is growing back in horribly with a dark strip in the front, also looks black like when I was born. Just great. There is a couple reasons why it is growing back so early. Chemo treatments are only supposed to be 3 weeks apart but because of my low blood cells they have been on average, 5 weeks apart. So when the drugs wear off, my hair grows back. With my last treatment (which was April 19th) my dose was almost cut in half because they thought it was too strong because of it killing my blood cells. So, anyway, it is growing back and on these hot days I am becoming more courageous not to wear a hat.

Our team has been busy fundraising for the Relay that is coming up in a month. We had a jeep run and bbq in April, and 2 yard sales so far. Thank you to my cousin Ang who sold tickets on a Mother's Day basket in Halifax and donated the proceeds! We are in 3rd place online with donations!

I still have 2 chemo treatments left. My next treatment was scheduled on my birthday last week, but surprise, it got delayed. Trying again this Thursday.
I will leave off here for tonight, hopefully it won't be as long until I write again.

I hope you are resting in peace today, Grampy. Happy Birthday. 

Half of our Relay Team 

Hoping for better luck next week. I have gone in 4 times for chemo treatment in the last 2 weeks only to get turned down because my body isn't producing enough blood cells. Nothing I can do to get them up, just has to happen. It`s like a test in school, and I just keep failing. So frustrating...

And then, my body randomly decides to become allergic to band-aids. I developed a itchy burning rash around my porta cath. The more I scratch, the more itchy it becomes, it`s driving me crazy! Who knows what`s next. Hopefully things will start to look up for me, and luck will come my way.

On the bright side I finally found a wig that I feel confident enough to wear. Looks pretty similar to my normal hair. I tested it out today and told a couple people (who didn`t know me) that it was a wig and they were flabbergasted. Said they would never have guessed and thought it was real hair. It`s actually a new synthetic wig that I can use heat on to blowdry, curl and straight iron. A big thanks to Chanda for coming with me to help pick it out and put the final touches on it.

And way to go Realy For Life Team! We are the #1 online team for donations. Way to get a head start, it will be here in no time. We registered our team early so hopefully we win the earlybird draw for a pizza party the night of the relay. The draw will be taking place in a couple days on Big Dog. Again, it's a great thing for me to look forward to. This is my first year participating and I am just stoked to be involved in such a great cause. Next year I plan to join the committee and have a hand in volunteering and organizing. If anyone is interesting in registering a team or making a donation check out the website http://convio.cancer.ca/site/TR?fr_id=11267&pg=entry

Oh, the frustrations

What a week it has been thus far, nothing seems to want to go my way. On Monday I was scheduled for chemo but it got delayed until today because my white blood cell counts were too low. So I was booked back in plus I had a dreaded dentist appointment this morning.

So I woke up and went for my blood work at 9 this morning only to get a call an hour later saying my counts were still to low, a no go yet again for chemo. It happened 3 times so far and keeps pushing me farther into the spring before this chapter is over. So I had to cancel my dentist appointment because it is too dangerous to get work done with low blood cells. I have to continue with pulsating tooth aches and gums that are cut and swollen. Let's hope an infection doesn't start because I can't fight it with no immune system.

It is so frustrating because I am receiving painful achy injections to bring my counts up and yet when the time rolls around they are still too low. So now, instead of VON coming 7 days in a row for injections, it is pushed up to 10 visits. I was getting so excited that chemo would be half way done at the beginning of the week, only to be let down by my own body. No one to blame really.

On top of that I have a Grandmother stuck in isolation in the hospital not doing too peachy because of complications with her cancer. I am just hoping and praying that she pulls through. 

And the stupid weather Wednesday morning made me cancel my appointment to go pick out a good looking wig that I will actually want to wear. Someday I will get one, hopefully next week if all the factors will co-operate with me and give a smooth sailing week. Monday mornings blood work will let me know if I can get chemo that day or not. Until then, I hope the light at the end of the tunnel will get brighter instead of fade away like it has been.

Have a good weekend all. I wish everyone good  health because it sucks when you don't have it.

Chapter 6

TGIF! It has been a while since my last post, have been keeping myself busy. I think my injections to boost my white blood cells have been kicking in. I have had an energy boost in the last week. Working around the house, enjoying an evening in the city, hanging with friends, shopping, and just feeling good overall! But I have a feeling it is all coming to a hault. I think being out and about has landed me a cold, so just have to get through this little speed bump.

With every passing cold wintery day I lose bit by bit what little hair I have. Only a few patches left until I have one shiny white bald head. And I am so cold, I have lost my insulation. I cannot wait until warm weather. I don't think I will have a chance to tan the top of my head though, hopefully it will start growing back in May when I am done with my chemo treatments.

Another reason I haven't been writing is because my life kinda repeats itself every 3 weeks. I go in for chemo, feel crappy for about a week then start feeling good again, only to start the cycle over again with another bout of chemo. Not much has changed with me lately, so I don't have as much to write. But as soon as something pops into my head I will blog, just not as often as I did.

So, I am doing the Relay For Life this year on June 15th. It is my first time doing it and I joined forces with the Jeep Club. Stay tuned for some fundraisers we will be having. A yardsale, bakesale, etc, and maybe I will sell some of my homemade beef jerky... It is great to have this to look forward to and raise money for a great cause. Hopefully someday there will a cure for cancer.

Until next time, have a Happy Valentine's Day! xo

My pretty nails Chanda did!

Chapter 5

So, I went in for chemo yesterday. My white blood cell count was up a little bit, so it was a go ahead. They doubled my dose this time for one of the anti nausea medications because I got quite sick last time around. Although, it didn't help much. I was still nauseous and vomiting yesterday; and today I am still a little nauseous and super sleepy. My body just doesn't like it I guess.
I start my injections to boost my white cells on Thursday for 7 days. This will help build my immune system and hopefully keep my chemo schedule on track.
That's all I got for now, the brightness of the screen is killing my eyes. I tried to get some pics during chemo but didn't get good shots, but enjoy.

Chapter 4

This last week was filled with ups and downs for me. I haven't had much motivation to write, but I am coming around today. When I hear bad news, I just feel numb. I am in acceptance with it, and we just have to deal with it and get through; no use in feeling sad and being upset. A few people close to me have become sick and one hospitalized. I won't mention names for their privacy but for the families who know what I am talking about, know that I am thinking of you.
I knew I wouldn't be too upset when it came to shaving my head. But lately, I dread getting in the shower. The little stubble that I have is slowly coming out, leaving me patchy. I am just covered with tiny pieces of hair when in the shower. Every time is a reminder that soon I will be completely bald, I just wish it would happen all at once. But we can't always get what we wish for.
I was scheduled to have chemo on Friday but it got delayed until Monday. I went for bloodwork on Thursday to make sure I could go for chemo, but my white blood cells are still too low and it would be too dangerous to go ahead. So hopefully my body produced enough over the weekend and I can proceed with treatment tomorrow.
On the bright side, I have been feeling well. I have been spending a lot of time with family and friends. Shopping, playing video games, breakfast dates, and baking :) Made some pretty cupcakes for a baby shower this evening, excited to see the girls at work.
Just a little reminder that Feb.13-19 is Random Acts of Kindness Week. Do something special for someone you care for or a complete stranger. It is rewarding to make someone's day by performing a selfless act of kindness.

Bald is Beautiful

And so it began. My hair started falling out as I ran my fingers through it Saturday night. Actually happened a little later than I expected so I was prepared for it. I thought I would feel devastated but it was intriguing and neat for me in a weird way. I thought it would hurt for some reason and I would feel it fall out of my scalp but of course it wasn't like that. I would randomly just test it and see how much I could pull out; wasn't big chunks that left bald spots, just bunches of strands.
It will be so much easier to take care of, especially on days when I am tired and not feeling well I won't have to worry what it looks like. Not that I have really done anything spectacular with my hair anyways, I am not much of a girly-girl.
I am sure my friend Chanda dreaded the day I would tell her I am ready to shave my head. She is my amazing hairdresser and best friend since we were little. We had discussed a while ago that she would shave it for me, although with a little hesitation she agreed. So in the middle of my kitchen she buzzed it off, it actually doesn't look as bad as I thought. Kind of reminds me of Demi Moore in G.I.Jane or Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta. I have a few wigs to play around with and fortunately it's winter so I can cover up with a toque.
I say good bye to my hair and embrace the bald!

Chapter 3

After my lumpectomy I had lots of tests done to make sure my cancer didn't spread to other parts of my body. My pathology reports told me that I had stage 1 cancer, good thing I caught it when I did. It was graded at a 3, which meant it was the fastest growing.
So from there I had an ultrasound done on my liver, which they found a few spots on. Then I had to get an MRI done to investigate further, to find it wasn't cancer, thank goodness. I also got a chest xray, bone scan, mammograms, MRI's on both breasts, and a mugoscan(which tests how strong my heart is). Thankfully all tests came back just fine.
Then on Jan.6 I had my first treatment of chemo. I get it done here in Truro and it takes about 3 hours. I go through 3 different rounds and from now on it will be administered through my porta cath in my chest. I sit in a pretty comfy reclining chair cuddled in blankets watching tv and being served lunch. I have 5 treatments left which takes me to the end of April.
The pathology report also told me that my cancer was feeding off my estrogen and that I had an overexpression on the HER2 gene. My body combined with my birth control pill was producing too much estrogen. So after chemo I have 5 weeks of radiation, 5 days a week down in Halifax. When that is done I have to do Herceptin therapy that should control my estrogen, and if there is other cancer cells in my body, starve them by blocking my estrogen to them. When that is done, I have to take a pill every day for 5 years,  hopefully to deter cancer from my body and control my hormones.
I have an appt in February to meet with Dr's to start genetic testing. Unfortunately, cancer runs in my family and if traveled to my genes then my journey will change with other surgerys and treatments. But until test results, no sense in discussing that...
So until next time, enjoy your weekend everyone!

I removed my bandages yesterday from my porta cath. 

Pre surgery photos

I am feeling a little gutsy today to share these photos with you. At different stages throughout my battle I would like to have photos done of me to remember each stage in my life. Cancer has become the bulk of my life right now, and it will interesting to look back and see the transformations I have gone through.
These photos were done shortly after I was diagnosed. At the time of these pictures the original plan was a mastectomy (removal of the whole breast) so I wanted to capture pictures with my "originals". Haha.  Later I found out that a lumpectomy would suffice, but oh well I have some good pictures anyway.
So to my family - just pretend I am wearing a bikini, or just close your eyes  :)

Photo credit by Lisa Andrews.

 Check out her facebook page, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Lisa-Andrews-Photography/253202584724705

Cancer is too common

I am sure everyone has somehow been affected by cancer. It seems so many more cases pop up in lives of people around us who we care about. For me, my personal loss was of my Grampy Lynds in 2010 to lung cancer.

In my opinion, Grampy was the glue that held our family together. I believe we all looked up to him, like the monarchy of our family. He fought a tough battle with cancer and had lots of love and support from his family.

I had spent a few nights with him near the end, sleeping on the floor beside him in his bed in the living room. I made sure he got morphine so he would stay comfortable, shaved his face and helped him wash up. I didn't sleep much but I am sure it meant a lot to him having me by his side, so it was worth it.
I then had to go back to work, doing a night shift, May 31, 2010. I stopped in beforehand to see him. I leaned over the bed, holding his hand and with tears in my eyes told him "I love you" for the very first time. He smiled and mumbled and I knew he was returning those 3 special words. Those were our last words and our last moment together.
I got the call at 5am while at work that he had left us. Although I knew what was coming, I wasn't prepared for the hurt and emptiness in my heart it caused me. I couldn't help crying uncontrollably, even a client rang their buzzer after I woke them up asking if there was a wounded dog in the hall! Oh my!  I left work and rushed to be with my family and see Gramp before he was taken away. As I mentioned before, I better be on the survivor list because I am sure he isn't ready to see me yet. May he be resting in peace, I love you Grampy.

Carl Lynds May 15, 1930 - June 1, 2010

Moral of the story: You don't realize how much you love someone until they are gone. Love the ones around you today like it's the last day you will ever see them. 

Amazing Support

Overwhelming. That's the word I have used the most in the last few months. Never have I imagined that so many people could care so much about me. The support just keeps rolling in with cards and encouraging messages. And how could I ever forget - the benefit dance/ silent auction.

I have to be honest I was against the idea of a benefit when I first heard the word about it, even tried to convince them to cancel it. I keep to myself and hate to have attention on me. I am pretty shy and I guess you could say, anti social. Then a few days later I saw my Dr. and was told I needed chemotherapy. My opinion changed then because I have heard stories of people not being able to afford the drugs. So the benefit was a go and was on November 5th.

I was leary on making an appearance, I've never been to one of these before. Should I go? After contemplating the idea, a few friends and I got together beforehand and headed up to the curling club. I slowly walked upstairs and when I saw the amount of people in the room I was shocked. Knots formed in my throat and I turned right around, running to the washroom to bawl my eyes out. I thought maybe there wasn't enough notice given and I might be able to count on my fingers and toes how many people would show up for me. Boy, was I wrong. The girls at work and many others pulled it off and I can't thank them enough for organizing it. The night was great, many eyes filled with tears and a few heads leaving bald!

I have so much gratitude and and will forever be in debt for the support I have received and continue to receive. A big thanks to EVERYONE!

My brothers shave their heads in support of me :)

Chapter 2

So after being diagnosed everything started to move so quickly. My last day to work was Sunday October 9th, and telling the girls(and guy!) at work was a hard thing to do. Just saying it out loud to people was a tough one to swallow. There is no beating around the bush and no way to prepare anyone for such news.

Brandon came home one day from work and told me he read an article that in most cases the people around are more greatly affected and more upset than the cancer patient themselves. I guess all along  I knew what was going on but when people hear it for the first time they may feel shocked or even devastated. The word "cancer" puts fear in some peoples mind. Hearing of a diagnosis at such a young age is pretty scary. It probably reminds people it can happen to anyone.

 As for my clients at work, I feel bad that I left on such a short notice. I kept the kind of client/caretaker professionalism in place and didn't tell any of them my reason for leaving. I hope to get back to them soon, I miss them. For now I make a few visits here and there.

By the way only one lump was cancer, the other one benign. But I made sure they took them both. My lumpectomy was scheduled for October 20th. With Brandon and my Mom by my side I went under at 11am and came out with a pretty little scar to hopefully remind me in 5 years that I am cancer free, a cancer survivor.

(Ignore the armpit hair, it is extremely sensitive now, hard to shave sometimes)

The dots underneath the incision scar is where I had a drain in for 4 days. It collected the excess blood after the surgery. It was the main reason for pain and discomfort throughout the healing process. 

Chapter 1

Well so much for saying good night to everyone in my previous post. Seems I may pull another all-nighter, I am not tired at all with all these thoughts running around in my head.
So where do I start? Rewind to 3-4 years ago? I always told myself and expressed it to Brandon that I felt like I have cancer. There is no way to explain it and too hard to try and make sense of it. It was just a feeling that I had, without having any hard evidence, just a weird belief. And maybe with the power of the mind, I jinxed myself somehow and turned my body into a host of the bone chilling, lump in the throat, ever so sensitive disease they call cancer. In my case, breast cancer.
I can't point my finger on the calendar and tell you a date when I first felt the lump. Can't even remember how I came across it. It was sometime in June, but there it was, a pea size, hard lump that had formed under my right armpit on my "side boob". I wear underwire bras and sometimes get irritated in that area from them so I passed the lump off for a while, thinking it was caused by that. After a few weeks passed and it hadn't disappeared, and seemed to grow a small amount I called my Dr. for an appt.
Aug 15 was my first visit with my Dr. I couldn't hold back the tears welling in my eyes as I told her "I found a lump on my breast". Saying it out loud for the first time was acknowledgement that this is serious and something could really be wrong. She sent me for an ultrasound.
The ultrasound results came back and of course, didn't show much. Just assuring me that yes, there is a mass there. And not one, but two. So the next step was a biopsy.
At this point (Sept. 20) the only people who knew about my concerns were Brandon and a couple good friends at work. And in the mix of it Brandon and I were in the process of buying and moving into our house. An amazing experience and a step up in our relationship, with the terrifying thought that I may have cancer. So on the day of signing the papers and getting the keys to our new house I made a stop to get poked with needles, extracting tissues to be examined. And the results were devasting- breast cancer.
Oct.3 was the day of diagnosis. A bit of irony, being the month of national awareness of breast cancer. It was the only day thus far I have let myself cry (give or take a few weak moments). The hardest part was telling my family. How do you bring it up? The news was out there, and knowing how quick word travels in a small town, I knew everyone would hear of it soon.
To be continued...

Porta Cath

Wrap it up! Tonight I enjoyed a much needed shower since my last one was before my surgery last Friday. I was admitted for day surgery to get a porta cath inserted in my chest for chemo treatment and later on, for hormone treatment. It was recommended for me because my blood vessels would be damaged with all the repeated needle punctures. I have 5 treatments of chemo left, and later on in the year 15 treatments of herceptin, which is a hormone therapy. The port is also used for drawing blood, which makes it easier. On Friday I get to remove my bandage to see what it looks like. Brandon calls me his robot now. I think he and one of my brothers thought I was getting an "outlet" in my body that you could open up and look in! haha. 

On another note, I was down to see my oncologist today at the Dickson Center. I had to go down to review my bloodwork I had done on Sunday. My white blood cell  count is too low so now I have to get an injection after each chemo treatment. This should boost the production of the cells and therefore boost my immune system a little bit to fight infection. So if you are sick do not come near me! I think I am going to turn  into a crazy lady walking around in public wearing a face mask and gloves to protect myself against germs! 

But other than that, the doc thought I was doing pretty well. He was surprised I haven't started losing my hair yet. I am just patiently waiting for that to start.. 

Well that's all for now folks. Next post maybe I will start my story from the beginning.Good night all :)

Day One

Monday, January 16th / 2012  0730

Day one of my blog!

Eeeks, I admit I am a blog virgin! I was lying in bed last night trying to sleep and this bizarre idea popped into my head that I should start a blog. Weighed so heavily on my mind that I didn't get a wink of sleep and it's now been 24 hours that I have been awake. Have no idea what I am doing, but here it goes! Usually I would have my tech-savy boyfriend assist me with computer related issues such as this, but unlike me, he has been sleeping all night and just awoke to jump in the shower before work. 

So where was I? Right, I decided to start blogging to share the journey that i am going through with breast cancer AKA "The Big C" . My reasoning isn't crystal clear to me yet, whether I want followers to be inspired, or issues to be raised and discussed or just a place on here for me to express my inner feelings and thoughts. As I go along through my blog I may find out, I may not, we shall see.

I plan to write about my experience with cancer along with reminiscing about the past, which I find I am doing quite often lately. Whether it be memories with friends or my family, or of school and my life experiences thus far. 

Without getting into much detail, I leave this post this morning to have some breakfast and enjoy a morning stroll with my dog, Mowgli.

Until I blog again, " Be optimistic, don't be so grumpy, when the road gets bumpy, just smile, smile, smile, be happy " ~Anywhere Buy Here quote